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Guys with Guitars

Ok, who or what perpetuated the myth that girls want to be serenaded by a guy with an acoustic guitar? Was it Disney? Fairytales? I honestly don’t know and maybe some girls do subscribe to the old “a guy with a guitar is sexy” adage but for the record… I don’t!! I’m sorry but this is not the movies and when a guy whips out his guitar in a confined space (i.e. bedroom, living room, apartment, anywhere that is not, I don’t know a stage) and starts playing you a Dave Matthews song shit just gets awkward real quick! When this happens I have never been like.. aww this is soo sweet! In fact, quite the opposite. The first time I encountered this super awkward situation (yes, there are multiple times this has happened to me.. apparently I look like I want to be serenaded?) was with my college boyfriend. He started playing and this is what ran through my head… did he make this song up? Is this an actual song? Should I know this song? What song is this? This is awkward. Should I bob my head? How do I look attentive? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Do girls actually like this? OMG how do I make him stop?!?! Then, the coup de grace… he starts singing. I almost die.

(Side Note:  it makes me feel so awkward whenever anyone sings and REALLY tries to be a good singer, even if they are. For example, you know you have had that one friend who you will be in the car with and everyone is singing along to the radio but she is trying to belt the song out like she is Mariah Carey and this is an American Idol audition.. awkward.)

So maybe I’m hypersensitive to people who try to sing really well in casual situations but when the ex bf started belting out what I now know to be “Crash into me” by Dave Matthews I said a silent prayer that it was a short song and that maybe someone would break into his house that night and steal his guitar so I never had to be subjected to that awkwardness again. (Follow up: No one ever stole the guitar and I still cringe to this day when I hear Dave Matthews.)

Like most things in my dating life the acoustic serenade turned out to be a bit of a pattern. I went “un-serenaded” for about four years until I was faced with the situation again… same setting, same guitar, same damn Dave Matthews!

Dear serenading boys of the world: Please, please learn how to play (and sing!) a song that is not by Dave Matthews! Thank you.

Probably the greatest part of that serenading situation was that I should have known what I was getting into right from the jump. Before I even started dating this guy (he lived out of state) he EMAILED me a video of, what else, him playing the guitar. I kid you not. I still have it in my old emails and it will make me cringe to this day if I watch it. (I don’t watch it obviously but I keep all kinds of weird stuff in my email.. I’m an email hoarder. I also have an email from my last ex with a poem that he wrote me.. sounds sweet and it would have been if it wasn’t for the small detail that he was high on CRACK when he wrote it. That’s a story for another post but ya, come to find out he was a crackhead who evidently got inspired to write romantic poetry after hitting the crack pipe. Just when you thought you knew all of my crazy exes I drop that one on you!! Got to keep the readers guessing!)

Ok so I’m a little ADD and that was a bit of a tangent but the moral of the story is.. please do not play the guitar and/or sing to me. It makes me uncomfortable and I have to lie to you and tell you it sounds good and I like it and that makes me feel bad because if I’m letting you near me with a guitar and the possibility that a Dave Matthews song is going to come out of your mouth it probably means that I like you and I don’t want to lie to someone I like. Oh, and please do not try to date me if you smoke crack. That’s all. :)

If he’s not calling you….

I love my girlfriends but when it comes to the shit they tell me to make excuses for guys/make me feel better is just RIDICULOUS. For example, the all-too-frequent ”guy who says he’s going to call and doesn’t.” This happened last week and here is the shit they came up with….

Day 1- He’s working

Day 2- It’s Cinco De Mayo

Day 3- He’s probably just doing the “wait 3 days rule”

Day 4- He probably lost your number

Day 5- His phone got stolen

Day 6- He got hit by a train and he’s in a full body cast and can’t move his arms but he soo wishes he could call you

Day 7- He’s a douchebag and you deserve so much better! You’re lucky he didn’t call you and waste your time!

Ok so I made up number 6 but the rest are true and seriously these are the lengths friends go to to make you feel better/make excuses for guys/give you false hope. What I want to know is… do they really believe this crap? I don’t. I have read “He’s Just Not That Into You” wayyyyyy too many times! IF HE’S NOT CALLING YOU IT’S BECAUSE HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!! It also means he’s a douchebag.. the book forgot that part.

The Ex Text

Oh the ex text! These never come when you actually want them to come. Think of how many hours you have spent staring at your phone and obsessively checking to see if you have a text from your ex hoping they realized they are an idiot, made a mistake, regret breaking up with you, etc. The best thing ever would have been a text with your ex’s name popping up on your phone… but it never does. So you move on. In my case, you literally MOVE… across the country! I have introduced you to “Casey the Cop” in a prior “I’m soo busy guy” post. I told you that after a year of not talking he texted me about how he’s not busy anymore and can hangout.. yeah, no. That was a couple of weeks before my planned move to Denver from Florida. I didn’t tell him I was moving, it was none of his business. That was 1 1/2 years ago so imagine my surprise when yesterday I get a text from him!! UGH! I swear guys have a radar that as soon as you are happy and life is going well they are like “hmm i think I’ll send Tiffiny a text and fuck up her day!” I was already having such a bad day dealing with stupid friends and coworkers so an ex text was the LAST thing I needed. He just started talking to me like everything was normal and it hadn’t been 3 years since i had seen him! I told him I moved to Denver thinking that he would get the hint and go away. No.. he proceeds to tell me about how he thinks about me every time he drives past my old house and he was a jerk and he’s sorry, blah blah blah. Ok, 3 years ago I would have been ecstatic.. yesterday.. not so much. What am I supposed to say to that? I told him it would have been beneficial if he realized this about 3 years ago when we lived in the same time zone to which he did not reply. Well, that was a fun mind fuck! Why?!! What is wrong with the male brain that makes them think they can text you 3 years after treating you like shit and you are going to come running back to them!? Not this girl. I’m flattered I guess but I have moved 2000 miles away, started a new life and I’m happy. Don’t mess with my happiness. You had your chance, you blew it. Regret sucks.

It’s funny how all of my posts tie together. For more info on Casey the Cop see the “Busy guys” post as well as “They all come back.”  Guys are just too predictable.

Do fake gifts equal fake friends?

As with most things in my life I’m probably the only person this has happened to… multiple times. My “friends” have given me fake gifts or lied about getting me gifts. Let me explain. The first time this happened it was supposedly an accident. My best friend in college had a really wealthy family so he went home and raided his mom’s closet for my birthday gift. I was fine with this because I got two fur coats out of the deal which was cool and if he kept it at that it would have been awesome. Unfortunately he also brought me this ring that was an eternity band with diamonds all around it. I was floored and told him I could not take that. He assured me his mom was ok with it because she had so much money and jewelry and I was so excited! I told everyone about it and since it was too big for me I wore it on a necklace. I decided to take it to  jeweler to see if they could size it and if they couldn’t if I could use the diamonds to make a different piece of jewelry. The jeweler took a look at it and came back and said to me: “you know these aren’t real diamonds right?” I was mortified! I was a little pissed off at my friend, not because he gave me a fake diamond ring but because he tried to pass it off as real! Don’t lie to me and cause me embarassment! ugh. But how exactly do you bring up to your friend, oh by the way that diamond ring you gave me was fake, thanks! I told him that I took it to get sized and they told me it was fake and he was like “oh I must have accidentally grabbed it from my mom’s costume jewelry box, sorry.” Ok, whatever.

So that was kind of ridiculous but that’s obviously the kind of thing that happens once in your life. Not in my life! So I was friends with this girl who is like the most materialistic person in the world. Her mom bought her a new designer purse for each season and her winter version while I was friends with her was a thousand dollar Valentino purse. This girl had name brand everything, two closets full of clothes, a giant shoe collection and designer jewelry out the kazoo. Right before she moved she was taking some of her “old” stuff to one of those stores that buys used clothes. I told her I would help her and when I got to her house she literally had four boxes and three bags FULL of clothes, shoes, hats and purses. She told me I could go through and take whatever the store didn’t buy. Me being broke as a joke at the time was ecstatic. So she is getting the last of her stuff and pulls this Louis Vuitton backpack out of her closet and asks me if I want it. I’m not a big fan of taking expensive stuff from people so I was like um are you sure you don’t want it? She was like no I don’t like it anymore you can have it. So I was like wow that was really nice and this is probably the only time I’m going to own a real Louis Vuitton purse. So I have this backpack for a while and eventually we are no longer friends. I get to a point where I’m totally broke and I was trying to consign some stuff. I decided to take the Louis Vuitton back pack and see if they could sell it since I never used it. I take it in and they are like.. um this is fake. Once again, mortified! This girl would NEVER carry a fake bag so the fact that she even had one was shocking. It all started to make sense though because she knew not to take it to the store because they would have called her out and said it was fake. So instead she played the hero and gave it to poor old me. THANKS!! I couldn’t believe this same thing had happened again. My “friends” must think I’m either really stupid or really pathetic.

My last fake gift story might top the other two only because it wasn’t really a fake gift as much as it was a gift that never existed. My friend and I both have birthdays in the same month and at the time we lived in different cities. I mailed her a gift for her birthday and she called to thank me. If she would have stopped there everything would have been great but she didn’t. She then decided to tell me about my “gift.” She told me this elaborate story about how she found the PERFECT gift for me but she had to order it online and they were out of stock so it was going to be a little bit late but that it would be coming in the mail. I was totally cool with that because I love giving gifts more than I care about getting them. So some time goes by and she doesn’t send me anything. No big deal. Then like 2 months go by and nothing. At this point I realize that she hadn’t ordered anything and I didn’t want to lose our friendship over a stupid birthday gift so I never said anything. She never mentioned it again. It has now been four years and needless to say I still haven’t received the gift. I’m still kinda friends with the girl and have never brought it up but I think it’s so lame. Who lies about getting you a birthday gift? And if you lie and say you ordered something then at least follow through and order SOMETHING! I have always wondered if she thinks that I just magically forgot about that conversation. You would think my “friends” would know I have an insanely good memory and don’t forget ANYTHING.

So what’s worse: giving a fake gift and pretending it is real or pretending to be getting you a gift and never getting one?

Deal Breakers

Not knowing the correct use of:

Your and you’re

there, they’re and their

are and our

then and than

anything vs. nothing

for, four and fore

If you EVER use the “word” ain’t

If your favorite restaurant of all time is Red Robin

If you have never been to a Chili’s

If you take me on a “date” to Johnny Rockets in the mall food court

If you are married/in a relationship

If you are a convicted felon and/or getting ready to serve jail or prison time

If you use drugs

If you are a liar, thief or cheater

If you spell the word awesome “awsome”

If you don’t know the difference between to, too and two or its and it’s

I’m sure there are a million more but for right now that’s enough… oh and these are just deal breakers that I have actually experienced in my lovely dating life ;)

Facebook Stalking

Let’s be serious, we all do it. The scary thing is when it is not premeditated. You are just innocently surfing around your news feed one minute and before you realize it you are going through pictures of people you have never met and actively hating them. Yeah. For example…tonight I was looking at my newsfeed and it directed me to a guy that I know in my hometown. I was looking at his pictures when I ran into his business partner who happens to be a guy that I met on Eharmony (small town) and went on two dates with. This same guy told me that he “didn’t have time to date” (met him on a dating site) and like two weeks later was in a relationship with some rich pageant girl. So of course there are pictures of the two of them all over his page which leads me to click on her facebook and go through ALL of the pictures that are available to the creepy public aka me. I’m going through her pictures and there they are at the Kentucky Derby in cool big hats and here they are skiing in Vail and there they are at a black tie affair and OMG I HATE THIS BITCH! I am now looking through her photos for more reasons to just hate this girl… this girl that I don’t know, have never met and will never meet. A girl who is dating a guy that I went on 2 dates with. A guy that I met on Eharmony. A guy that happens to be business partners with a guy I actually do know (kind of) and happen to be facebook friends with. Holy shit I’m a psycho. And then I ended it and went on tumblr filled with shame. The end.

More dating rules for clueless guys

You know you are moving WAY too fast when…

You’ve been dating a girl for 2 weeks and you have ALL of the following items at her house:

2 toothbrushes

your own toothpaste

"manly" smelling body wash

a razor

shaving cream

your favorite candy

5 DVDs

Tupperware

3+ changes of clothes

a pork tenderloin (don’t ask)

Also remember: be ready to forfeit any and all of said items when (not if) that girl tells you she doesn’t want to see you anymore.

Remember When? Facebook Edition

Remember when you could only put 1 photo on Facebook…

Remember when you had to have a COLLEGE email address to access Facebook….

Remember when they allowed community colleges and us university snobs were kind of pissed…

Remember when Facebook started allowing high school students and us college kids were really pissed…

Remember when Facebook began allowing ANYONE with an email address to have a Facebook…

Remember the first time your mom friend requested you and you wanted to die…

Remember when there were prompts like “favorite activities,” “favorite TV shows,” etc. and we actually filled them out and people actually read them….

Remember when you used to have to do hours of digging and stalking to find information about your “friends”….

Remember when Facebook introduced Newsfeed and everyone freaked out…

Remember when people petition Facebook every single time it changes something and it has never worked….

Remember when Facebook allowed you to have a whole album of pictures and how excited you were that now you could finally give up Myspace…

Remember when Facebook added Facebook Chat….

Remember how fast you learned to turn Facebook Chat off…

Remember when Facebook statuses all had to start with “Tiffiny is….” Therefore forcing you to write what you were doing in the third person and sound like a douche…

Remember when there was a box under your profile picture that said “write something about yourself”…

Remember when Facebook groups were all the fad and everyone joined every single group that pertained to them (I live in Florida and I wear flip flops all year long)…

Remember when you collected “friends” on Facebook because the person with the most “Friends” was the coolest…

Remember when you would meet someone out and say “Facebook me” when leaving…

Remember when you got the ability to access Facebook from your phone…

Remember when you could do mobile uploads and starting taking pictures of EVERYTHING to upload to Facebook…

Remember when you could first “check in” to places and all your friends started checking you in at the jail, etc…

Remember when you could first “tag” people in pictures and everyone was like “omg untag me that’s SUCH a bad picture!”…

Remember when Facebook introduced “Timeline” and again everyone freaked out…

Remember when what changes were happening on Facebook were our biggest worry…

I miss those days.

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